I am not going to write a post complaing about public transportation; it has its fair share of issues, but it gets me to and from my chosen destination and is less expensive and more practical than a car in the city. It may not be timely or clean or terribly efficient, but erm, yea, not what this post is about.

This is a message to my fellow bus/train riders of what I deem to be inappropriate behavior in a public and often too-close-for-comfort you-are-way-up-in-my-personal-space kind of setting.

1. Why don’t we start off with hygiene? If you are a nail biter, fine. Gross, but fine. But would it be inappropriate to request that you not chow on your nails 6 inches from my face? You do realize that the T is covered in germs and by holding onto rails and seats and then putting your hands in your mouth you are effectively eating dirt and other people’s gross sneezy hands, yes?

2. Another one for hygiene. Why would anyone ever find it okay to clip their fingernails on the T? Last time I checked, this is neither a bathroom nor in the privacy of your own home, and I don’t see a trash receptacle at your feet so the fact that you are disposing of your nails on the floor of the train/bus is beyond disgusting.

3. Case of the sniffles. If you have a cold, I feel bad for you, I really do, but sneezing without covering your mouth when there are about 50 people within 5 feet of you and then wiping your nose with that hand and transferring that hand back to the railing is just. Ugh. Makes me want to offer you hand sanitizer on the spot.

4. Get out of my face. If we are traveling with few or no other people and you have about 2623573 options of where to sit/stand, don’t pick the seat directly next to me. It’s just not necessary to infilitrate my personal space when you are not obligated to do so. If the last seat on the train is next to me, that’s fine and lovely, but otherwise, please sit at a reasonable distance.

5. Phone-oversharers. I am of the belief that use of cell phones on the T or bus should be similar to any other transportation situation – long train rides, flights, etc. Keep your calls brief and quiet. Especially when everyone else is dead silent. This offense is more forgiveable when the train is noisy, but since during the morning and evening rush hour most people are traveling alone, it does tend to be quiet, so please be courteous.

6. The last and most offensive of this list. P.D. Freakin. A. Can’t even tell you how much this bothers me. And I KNOW I am not the only one who is alternating between cringing and wishing they had picked a different seat and wanting to exact revenge. So just don’t do it. Wait 5 minutes until other people are not forced to be pressed up against you. The other day I saw a guy with his head basically in his girlfriend’s lap. NO ONE is that tired at 8 p.m. on a Friday night.

What I have not mentioned is that about 95% of the people who take public transportation are just lovely and fine to travel with- they can ignore this post (or feel free to air their own grievances in the comments).

But it is the other 5% that can turn an otherwise normal commute into an exercise in misery, frustration or, less often but more powerful, rage.

On a happier note, I have mastered the art of positioning myself so that the T doors open right in front of my face, giving me maximum time to locate and select a prime seating arrangement.

Also, I recently discovered that Government Center’s Blue Line stop smells remarkably like Skate ‘N Place (spelling? no idea), where I totally had a roller skating birthday around age 9. The smell is kind of a mixture of sweat, old air, popcorn, leather and rubber – anything else is as yet unidentified.

Sometimes I wonder about myself.